1
00:00:36,240 --> 00:00:38,840
Er, no, we're going to have to
tell them at no point.

2
00:00:38,840 --> 00:00:42,120
What? The first time we've ever had
girlfriends at the same time?

3
00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:43,360
Do you know how happy mum will be?

4
00:00:43,360 --> 00:00:45,440
Yes, the happiest she's ever
been in her entire life.

5
00:00:45,440 --> 00:00:48,480
Exactly.  And it will be hell.
It won't be hell.

6
00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:52,440
It will be hell, won't it?  Total
hell.

7
00:00:52,440 --> 00:00:54,560
Let's definitely not tell them.

8
00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:58,240
Yuck. What's that smell?

9
00:00:58,240 --> 00:00:59,360
Sewers.

10
00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:03,000
Oh. Um, thanks.

11
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,160
You're welcome.

12
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,320
Scared of the man?  Petrified.

13
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:13,200
And there it is.

14
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:15,440
Dad's massive, stupid caravan.

15
00:01:15,440 --> 00:01:17,640
It's absolutely disgusting.

16
00:01:17,640 --> 00:01:20,400
It's a dustbin on wheels.  Dustbin on
bricks.

17
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,760
Hello, bambinos.  Hi.  Hello, Dad.

18
00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:24,840
Well, what do you think?

19
00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:27,120
Er, were you wearing a blindfold
when you bought that?

20
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:29,600
What?  Or were you just in a coma?
Pillock.

21
00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:31,760
Why the hell did you buy a caravan?

22
00:01:31,760 --> 00:01:35,000
I told you, I went in one
when I was a boy, and...

23
00:01:35,000 --> 00:01:35,920
Whoa.

24
00:01:37,040 --> 00:01:38,120
That's not dangerous.

25
00:01:38,120 --> 00:01:40,240
Yeah, "Safety last", eh, Dad?

26
00:01:40,240 --> 00:01:41,480
Idiots.

27
00:01:41,480 --> 00:01:43,320
Well, come in then.

28
00:01:43,320 --> 00:01:44,080
Really?

29
00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:45,520
Say your prayers.

30
00:01:47,600 --> 00:01:48,840
Well?

31
00:01:52,520 --> 00:01:55,520
And if you thought it looked
nice on the outside...

32
00:01:55,520 --> 00:01:58,600
What a dump.  What? It's fabulous.

33
00:01:58,600 --> 00:01:59,800
Yes, it's a fabulous shithole.

34
00:01:59,800 --> 00:02:02,640
It's not a shithole.  Ow.

35
00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:04,960
Now, listen, I need your help.

36
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,360
Psychological help, or...?

37
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:10,080
How am I going to get that mother
of yours to set foot in my caravan?

38
00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:11,640
Er, have you tried chloroform?

39
00:02:11,640 --> 00:02:13,880
She hates this bloody thing.

40
00:02:13,880 --> 00:02:15,840
And might that be because you bought
this shithole behind her back?

41
00:02:15,840 --> 00:02:17,360
It's not a shithole.

42
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:20,800
Well, OK, it needs a bit of work.

43
00:02:20,800 --> 00:02:22,160
Or a bit of dynamite.

44
00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:23,800
So?  So, what?

45
00:02:23,800 --> 00:02:24,800
Are you going to help me, then?

46
00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:27,960
What? Help you make mum like your
horrible caravan?  Yes.

47
00:02:27,960 --> 00:02:29,320
BOTH:  No.

48
00:02:29,320 --> 00:02:30,680
Why not?  Because it's a shithole.

49
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:33,200
Jesus.

50
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:35,200
Yeah, that needs adjusting.

51
00:02:35,200 --> 00:02:36,560
You need adjusting.  Goodbye.

52
00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:37,680
Now wait...

53
00:02:37,680 --> 00:02:40,600
Now, how about we all have
dinner in here tonight?

54
00:02:40,600 --> 00:02:42,600
Sure, Dad. Sure.  It'll be lovely.

55
00:02:42,600 --> 00:02:45,760
All four of us, the whole family,
eating together.

56
00:02:45,760 --> 00:02:48,560
Dying together.  Look, it's got
everything, a kitchen.

57
00:02:48,560 --> 00:02:50,360
Hideous.  A dining area.  Hideous.

58
00:02:50,360 --> 00:02:51,640
Toilet.

59
00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:55,160
That's just terrifying.

60
00:02:55,160 --> 00:02:57,600
OK, then, just look at what
I made for your mum.

61
00:02:57,600 --> 00:02:59,480
Boys...

62
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:00,640
I thought you were in here.

63
00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:03,200
Hi.  Hi, Mum.  Hello, my sweet, are
you coming inside?

64
00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:04,640
You know the answer, Martin.

65
00:03:04,640 --> 00:03:07,280
Boys...  But you haven't even given
it a chance.

66
00:03:07,280 --> 00:03:09,720
Come on, Jackie, you don't
know what you're missing.

67
00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:11,840
Any number of diseases.

68
00:03:11,840 --> 00:03:14,480
Ow.  OK, out of that shithole.

69
00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:16,000
Certainly.

70
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,000
It's not a shithole.

71
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,520
And make sure you wash your hands.

72
00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:21,000
What? They don't need to wash their
hands.

73
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,760
Er, we do need to wash our hands.

74
00:03:22,760 --> 00:03:25,280
Um, and dinner's nearly ready. Are
you coming inside or what?

75
00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:26,360
Well, actually, Jackie,

76
00:03:26,360 --> 00:03:28,760
the boys said that they'd really
like to have dinner in the caravan.

77
00:03:28,760 --> 00:03:30,960
Yes, that is exactly what we said.

78
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:34,320
Martin, for the 800th time, we are
not having dinner in your...

79
00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,120
..murder van, all right?

80
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:37,520
All right. God.

81
00:03:37,520 --> 00:03:40,160
See you, Dad.  Yeah, enjoy your
murdering.

82
00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:43,800
He wants us to have dinner in that?!

83
00:03:43,800 --> 00:03:47,400
Certain death.  Can you believe your
stupid dad bought a caravan?

84
00:03:47,400 --> 00:03:49,200
Not just any caravan. That caravan.

85
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:51,400
All week it's been
festering in our drive.

86
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:53,520
Boys, where can we get a crushing
machine?

87
00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:56,160
You know he wanted to take me
on holiday in that thing?

88
00:03:56,160 --> 00:03:57,360
On holiday?

89
00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:59,840
What?  So you can both plummet off a
cliff?

90
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:01,400
Hands.

91
00:04:01,400 --> 00:04:04,160
It's funny, I haven't
stepped inside it once yet,

92
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,240
and it's been sending him quite mad.

93
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:07,520
We hadn't noticed.

94
00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:10,120
What's with the water?

95
00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:12,320
Oh, cos they've been digging
up the silly road.

96
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:14,600
Looking for dad's victims?

97
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:18,240
Yes, I'm really enjoying
annoying your father at the moment.

98
00:04:18,240 --> 00:04:19,400
And long may it continue, Mother.

99
00:04:22,560 --> 00:04:24,480
Hm, I'm really enjoying it.

100
00:04:26,200 --> 00:04:28,360
Er, is that, gin?

101
00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:31,560
Sorry. I must just go for a wee.

102
00:04:31,560 --> 00:04:32,400
Mum?

103
00:04:33,760 --> 00:04:36,280
She's drinking gin. That's what she
drinks when she's...

104
00:04:36,280 --> 00:04:38,600
..depressed. We have to tell her our
news.  No way.

105
00:04:38,600 --> 00:04:41,960
Adam.  Boys.  Ugh.  God, Dad, what are
you doing?

106
00:04:41,960 --> 00:04:43,080
Shhh. Where's your mother?

107
00:04:43,080 --> 00:04:46,240
What?  Where is she?  Um, in the
loo. What do you want?

108
00:04:46,240 --> 00:04:49,200
Just gone in the loo? Or been in
there a while?  Does it matter?

109
00:04:49,200 --> 00:04:51,320
Has your brain fallen
out of your head tonight?

110
00:04:51,320 --> 00:04:53,120
Just answer the sodding question.

111
00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:56,120
Um, she's been in the loo for,
precisely 17 seconds.

112
00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:57,960
Great.

113
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:01,040
Right, this is the plan.
The plan?

114
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:03,000
You take the soup,
follow me out through the side door,

115
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,160
all the way up to the caravan.  What?

116
00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:06,720
Dinner in the caravan. Remember?

117
00:05:06,720 --> 00:05:08,520
Erm, no, we don't remember.

118
00:05:08,520 --> 00:05:11,040
No, we do remember, we said
we definitely do not

119
00:05:11,040 --> 00:05:13,000
want to have dinner in your
disgusting caravan.

120
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,840
God, then I'll have to get the
bloody soup myself then, won't I?

121
00:05:15,840 --> 00:05:19,600
Thanks for nothing.

122
00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:23,360
Martin? What are you doing with my
soup?  Huh? Boys, quick.

123
00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:24,240
You little git.

124
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,160
What are you doing?

125
00:05:26,160 --> 00:05:28,280
Dad thinks he's in a prison
movie or something.

126
00:05:28,280 --> 00:05:29,880
Were you stealing my soup?

127
00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:32,400
No.  Yes, you were.  Shut up.

128
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:34,120
And have a guess where
he was taking it.

129
00:05:34,120 --> 00:05:35,840
Right, I'm having that, thank you.

130
00:05:35,840 --> 00:05:37,800
But Jackie, I've made it
all nice in there.

131
00:05:37,800 --> 00:05:39,760
What? You mean you've emptied
the chemical toilet?

132
00:05:39,760 --> 00:05:42,040
Actually, I may need a hand
with that thing,

133
00:05:42,040 --> 00:05:44,240
cos the unit's jammed
and it's brimming with human waste.

134
00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,320
OK, maybe you shouldn't have
dinner with us tonight.

135
00:05:46,320 --> 00:05:48,880
What?  Er, Mum?  Shut up, boys.

136
00:05:48,880 --> 00:05:52,640
Yes, maybe you should eat
all on your own.

137
00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:55,120
But, Jackie.  In your shithole.

138
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:56,680
It's not a shithole!

139
00:05:56,680 --> 00:05:59,040
Right then.

140
00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:00,520
Dinner for three?

141
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:10,720
This is fun, isn't it?

142
00:06:10,720 --> 00:06:15,360
The three of us having dinner,
mummy and her boys.

143
00:06:15,360 --> 00:06:17,240
Uh-huh.

144
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:19,920
What?  Well, I mean,
obviously this is great fun.

145
00:06:19,920 --> 00:06:22,800
Great fun.  And not at all like we
suddenly don't have a dad any more.

146
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:26,440
Very good.  Even though we always set
a place for him at the table.

147
00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:28,720
To remind us of the better times.

148
00:06:28,720 --> 00:06:30,040
Thank you, boys.

149
00:06:30,040 --> 00:06:31,560
I hope he's all right in there.

150
00:06:31,560 --> 00:06:32,720
Poor dad.

151
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:35,360
Poor dad? Right.

152
00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:38,680
We'll see if he's all
right in there, shall we?

153
00:06:38,680 --> 00:06:39,960
Jackie to Martin.

154
00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:41,000
BOTH: What is that?

155
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:44,840
Your dad's stupid thing for
when he's in his stupid, crapmobile.

156
00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:48,280
Martin, it's Jackie,
are you all right in there?

157
00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:52,880
It's a good system.

158
00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:55,520
Martin to Jackie, how many times do
I have to tell you?

159
00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:59,520
It's "Are you all
right in there OVER?"

160
00:06:59,520 --> 00:07:00,480
He's all right in there.

161
00:07:02,360 --> 00:07:04,960
I'm sorry,
but it's been like this all week.

162
00:07:04,960 --> 00:07:07,040
Every night he's
had his dinner out there,

163
00:07:07,040 --> 00:07:11,000
and I've had my dinner in here.
It's been really hard.

164
00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:16,000
I've been really lonely.

165
00:07:18,280 --> 00:07:20,200
Adam's got a girlfriend.  You shit.

166
00:07:20,200 --> 00:07:22,840
Ow.  What?  Jonny's got a girlfriend.

167
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,400
Huh? You've both got girlfriends?

168
00:07:25,400 --> 00:07:26,640
BOTH: Yes.

169
00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:28,320
At the same time?

170
00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:29,160
BOTH: Yes.

171
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:32,080
Oh, my God, thank you!

172
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,440
Please.  Thank you.

173
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:38,680
Mum.  Oh, I am so excited.

174
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:40,440
Martin? Uh.

175
00:07:40,440 --> 00:07:43,760
Martin. Come inside right now.

176
00:07:43,760 --> 00:07:45,240
Something incredible's just
happened.

177
00:07:45,240 --> 00:07:47,360
Seriously?

178
00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:50,720
Boys, you don't know how happy
you've just made your mother.

179
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:52,000
We do.

180
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:56,520
Martin to Jackie, it's "Something
incredible's just happened OVER!"

181
00:07:56,520 --> 00:07:57,320
God.

182
00:07:58,280 --> 00:07:59,960
Where are you going?

183
00:07:59,960 --> 00:08:01,640
Martin, bloody come in here right
now.

184
00:08:01,640 --> 00:08:04,960
Mum?! The neighbours?  Screw the
neighbours.

185
00:08:04,960 --> 00:08:08,800
Oh, we are going to celebrate
tonight.

186
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:12,280
Are we?  And I am going to hear
everything, about everything.

187
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:14,360
DOOR BELL RINGS

188
00:08:14,360 --> 00:08:16,040
Coming! Right, stay there. Stay
there.

189
00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:19,560
Oooooh. Two weddings.

190
00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:21,160
Hell.  Total.

191
00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:26,680
Martin, the boys have...

192
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:29,240
Hello, Jackie.  Oh, it's you.

193
00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:32,240
The boys have what, Jackie? Cholera?

194
00:08:32,240 --> 00:08:33,960
Sorry? Um, terrible time, Jim.

195
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:36,200
What do you want? Martin?

196
00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:41,120
No, I just wanted you to know that
I've finally come up with a name.

197
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:45,200
A name?  Yes, Jackie, well,
I couldn't keep calling her Wilson,

198
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:49,000
so, I've come up with a completely
different name for her.

199
00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,240
Oh, right.

200
00:08:53,840 --> 00:08:55,280
And, what is it?

201
00:08:55,280 --> 00:08:56,720
Milson.

202
00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:58,560
Milson?  Milson.

203
00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:03,320
Hi, Jim.  Hello, boys.

204
00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:06,440
Um. Jim's got a completely new
name for his dog.

205
00:09:06,440 --> 00:09:08,720
It's Milson.

206
00:09:08,720 --> 00:09:10,440
Well, that is a completely new
name.

207
00:09:10,440 --> 00:09:12,800
Right, well erm, thank you, Jim.

208
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:13,720
Martin?

209
00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:19,440
Also, I wondered if you'd noticed a
strange sort of eggy smell outside?

210
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:21,840
Eggy smell?  Yes.  Very eggy.

211
00:09:21,840 --> 00:09:23,920
Oh, yeah, well that'll just be
the water people.

212
00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:27,160
The Water People? Where?

213
00:09:27,160 --> 00:09:31,200
Um, in the road, Jim, you know,
the people doing the sewers?

214
00:09:31,200 --> 00:09:33,880
The sewers.

215
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:35,920
MARTIN: So I'm allowed in now, am I?

216
00:09:35,920 --> 00:09:39,120
Uh. Been in your special little
house, have you, Martin?

217
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,840
What? Oh, that's right.

218
00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:43,600
I've always wanted to
go in one of those.

219
00:09:43,600 --> 00:09:44,880
Well, you're welcome any time, Jim.

220
00:09:44,880 --> 00:09:46,920
Am I?  Stupid bumhole.

221
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:49,360
So is that all, Jim?  Yes, of course,
Jackie.

222
00:09:49,360 --> 00:09:50,960
Bye all.

223
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:53,240
Come on, Milson.

224
00:09:54,600 --> 00:09:56,400
Good girl.

225
00:09:56,400 --> 00:10:01,320
Um, goodbye, Jim. Goodnight.

226
00:10:02,480 --> 00:10:04,160
My God.

227
00:10:04,160 --> 00:10:05,720
Milson?

228
00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:08,560
Martin, the boys have some
incredible news.

229
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:09,840
Go on, tell your dad.

230
00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:11,640
Adam's got three weeks to live.

231
00:10:11,640 --> 00:10:12,600
Ow.

232
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,600
That is a horrible thing to say.

233
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:16,120
Three weeks?
Can't he make it three days?

234
00:10:16,120 --> 00:10:20,800
Argh, Jackie.  God. Both the boys
have got girlfriends.

235
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:24,040
Really? These two buggers have both
got females?

236
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,880
Uhhh.  Yeah, dad, we've both got
"females".

237
00:10:26,880 --> 00:10:29,600
Isn't that amazing? Ooh, what are
their names?

238
00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:32,920
BOTH: Lucy.

239
00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:34,680
Sorry?  They're both called Lucy.

240
00:10:34,680 --> 00:10:36,120
Both of your girlfriends are called
Lucy?

241
00:10:36,120 --> 00:10:38,120
Yeah, it's quite annoying actually.
Very annoying.

242
00:10:38,120 --> 00:10:40,520
OK, well, we'll call your Lucy, Lucy
one

243
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:42,640
and your Lucy, Lucy two.  Great idea,
Mum.

244
00:10:42,640 --> 00:10:44,120
Er, why's my girlfriend number two?

245
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:45,480
Cos she's second best, obviously.

246
00:10:45,480 --> 00:10:46,680
Ow.

247
00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,320
Well, aren't you going to say
anything, Martin?

248
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:51,320
What? Oh, yes...

249
00:10:51,320 --> 00:10:52,920
..well done.  Well done?

250
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:54,520
Both of your sons have got
girlfriends

251
00:10:54,520 --> 00:10:57,360
and that's all you can say?
It's OK, mum.  It's not OK.

252
00:10:57,360 --> 00:11:00,040
Do you know how many years I've been
waiting for this bloody moment?

253
00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:03,480
You're supposed to be their father.
Say something proper to your sons.

254
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:06,200
OK, boys...

255
00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,240
BOTH: Yes?

256
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:10,520
..always wear a sheath.

257
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:17,600
Ahhh, your girlfriends sound
so nice.

258
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:19,720
Yes, please ask lots more
questions about them.

259
00:11:19,720 --> 00:11:21,240
Like another 100,000.

260
00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:23,800
Stop it.  Can we have the rest
of our dinner now?

261
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:26,160
Come on, photos?

262
00:11:26,160 --> 00:11:27,960
Photos?  Really?  Come on.

263
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:28,840
Uhhh.

264
00:11:30,120 --> 00:11:33,520
Ooh, lovely hair.

265
00:11:33,520 --> 00:11:36,360
Yup.  Ooh, lovely smile.

266
00:11:36,360 --> 00:11:38,200
Mine's definitely the fittest.
The shittest.

267
00:11:38,200 --> 00:11:39,960
Dad?  Pissface.

268
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:41,440
Who do you think's the fittest?

269
00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:43,200
Oh, how can you say such a thing.

270
00:11:43,200 --> 00:11:45,240
The fittest? How would I know?

271
00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:48,360
Have you tried racing them
against each other?

272
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:49,960
Huh?

273
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,360
Fantastic celebration.

274
00:11:53,360 --> 00:11:55,040
Well, if you really want to
celebrate,

275
00:11:55,040 --> 00:11:56,720
why don't we all go in my caravan?

276
00:11:56,720 --> 00:11:58,160
Or why don't we not?

277
00:11:58,160 --> 00:11:59,760
In fact, if you and your "ladies"

278
00:11:59,760 --> 00:12:02,200
ever want to use the caravan for a
bit of, you know...

279
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:04,120
"Ar-ar-ar-ah. Ar--ar-ar-ar-ar-ah."

280
00:12:04,120 --> 00:12:06,320
Oh, my God.  Just ask.

281
00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:08,040
You're revolting. You know that?
Oh, yes.

282
00:12:10,360 --> 00:12:11,520
Right, go in there

283
00:12:11,520 --> 00:12:15,840
and take the chicken into the dining
room, will you?

284
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:17,560
Ar-ar-ar-ah. Ar--ar-ar-ar-ar-ah.

285
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:21,640
OK. Nazi interrogation over?

286
00:12:21,640 --> 00:12:23,720
All right.  Yes.

287
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:25,160
Bring on the chicken.

288
00:12:25,160 --> 00:12:26,000
Chicken time.

289
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:30,080
Ahhh, I can't wait to
meet your lovely girls.

290
00:12:30,080 --> 00:12:31,520
Sorry?  Huh?

291
00:12:31,520 --> 00:12:33,400
Well, you want them
to meet mummy, don't you?

292
00:12:36,640 --> 00:12:38,080
Right.

293
00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:40,600
Thank you for ruining
my celebration.

294
00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:42,880
Your celebration?

295
00:12:42,880 --> 00:12:45,680
OK, obviously mum and dad are never
meeting our girlfriends.

296
00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:49,120
Obviously.  Boys? Boys?

297
00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:51,760
Mum?  What's happened?

298
00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:53,800
He's taken the chicken.

299
00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:03,760
Give me back my chicken.

300
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:05,120
This is ridiculous.

301
00:13:05,120 --> 00:13:07,240
Piss off.

302
00:13:07,240 --> 00:13:09,280
How's he got his top off already?
STATIC FEEDBACK

303
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,880
Martin, come out with the chicken
this second.

304
00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:16,040
It's, "Martin, come out with
the chicken this second, OVER."

305
00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:18,040
How many bleeding times?  Jonny!

306
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:22,720
Bloody sods!  Give us the chicken!
Now!

307
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,320
Get off!  Dad!

308
00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:26,600
OK, you can have the chicken,

309
00:13:26,600 --> 00:13:29,920
you can all have the chicken,
if you eat it in here.

310
00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:34,440
What?  Your mum thinks it's
so horrible in my caravan, does she?

311
00:13:34,440 --> 00:13:37,000
Well, just wait till
she sees what I've done for her.

312
00:13:38,760 --> 00:13:40,880
There, see that?

313
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:44,360
"Martin and Jackie."
Yes, very nice, dad.

314
00:13:44,360 --> 00:13:45,480
Can we have the chicken now?

315
00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:48,720
And if I press this button...

316
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:50,600
THEY SCREAM

317
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:53,320
Agh!  Now!  Sorry, Dad.  Oi!

318
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:57,080
I've got the chicken!
I've got the chicken!

319
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,520
Quickly!
SHE LAUGHS

320
00:13:59,520 --> 00:14:01,800
Give it back, you bastards.

321
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:03,600
Oh, Bobbles, my heroes.

322
00:14:03,600 --> 00:14:05,760
KNOCKS ON DOOR
Give me that chicken!

323
00:14:05,760 --> 00:14:09,600
Go away!  He needs locking up.
KNOCKS ON DOOR

324
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:12,480
Right.  Oh, no, the side door.

325
00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:14,200
CRASH
Ow.

326
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,480
Wait.  Huh?

327
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:18,880
GRUNTING

328
00:14:18,880 --> 00:14:21,880
Ahhh, of course.  Hello, Martin.

329
00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:23,160
Well, help me, then.

330
00:14:23,160 --> 00:14:26,760
Certainly, darling,
let me just move this nice,

331
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:29,640
soft chair out of your way.
Oh, Jackie. Help me for God's sake.

332
00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:32,480
Uh, don't you mean,
"Help me for God's sake, over?"

333
00:14:32,480 --> 00:14:35,400
Why don't you sit down, boys?
Thank you, mother.

334
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,280
You bloody, bleeding...!

335
00:14:37,280 --> 00:14:40,400
HE SHOUTS, THUDS, HE GROANS

336
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:43,400
Agh. I think I've broken my skull.

337
00:14:43,400 --> 00:14:46,520
You are getting scraps tonight.
Do you hear me? Scraps!

338
00:14:46,520 --> 00:14:47,440
Yes.

339
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:51,640
Our poor girlfriends,
missing all this.

340
00:14:51,640 --> 00:14:53,640
Hello, all.  God, Jim!  Christ!
THEY SHOUT

341
00:14:55,320 --> 00:14:56,520
Jim?

342
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:58,120
Completely flooded?

343
00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:01,720
Yes, Jackie,
my house is completely flooded.

344
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:04,520
With, what's the word?

345
00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:05,480
Um, water?

346
00:15:05,480 --> 00:15:08,080
Excrement.  Excrement?  Excrement?

347
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:12,400
Apparently a sewerage pipe
got redirected into my house.

348
00:15:12,400 --> 00:15:15,440
Th-that's why my shoes are all...

349
00:15:15,440 --> 00:15:17,440
Eeh, ooh...

350
00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:19,240
And, uh...

351
00:15:19,240 --> 00:15:22,000
And then the water people
told me I had to leave

352
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:25,160
while they tried to fix it.
And now I've got nowhere to go.

353
00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:26,760
Oh, God.

354
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:28,840
Sorry, Jim,
we'd love to invite you in,

355
00:15:28,840 --> 00:15:31,720
but we're sort of celebrating
tonight.

356
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:34,600
No more cholera?  What?!  Sorry?

357
00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:36,120
Um, it's all right, Jackie.

358
00:15:36,120 --> 00:15:37,880
I wasn't going to ask
if I could come in.

359
00:15:37,880 --> 00:15:41,160
Good.  Oh.  No, I just wondered

360
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:45,600
if maybe I could have a little
piece of chicken to eat.

361
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,520
Er, OK.

362
00:15:47,520 --> 00:15:50,240
And maybe if I could have it
in the...

363
00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:54,160
..special little house.

364
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:56,640
MUSIC: 1901
by Phoenix

365
00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:04,160
Oof.  Nice bone and gristle, Martin?

366
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:05,360
Ooh.

367
00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:08,240
Jim to Martin on the talkie walkie,
over.

368
00:16:08,240 --> 00:16:11,440
Not again.  Definitely going to
be like this all night.

369
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:12,920
Martin reading, over.

370
00:16:12,920 --> 00:16:16,600
Um, where's the mustard? Over.

371
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,400
The man's driving me bloody mad.

372
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:20,320
Ahhh, is he?

373
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:22,720
Martin to Jim.

374
00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:25,840
The mustard's in the little drawer
on the right, over.

375
00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:29,040
Thank you, Martin. Over and out.

376
00:16:29,040 --> 00:16:32,360
Well, at least he follows the
correct communications procedure.

377
00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:33,440
On the talkie walkie.

378
00:16:33,440 --> 00:16:35,600
Jim to Martin on the talkie walkie.

379
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:38,000
Bleeding hell.

380
00:16:38,000 --> 00:16:39,800
Martin reading. Over.

381
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:43,160
Do you have anything that looks
and tastes like a lemon,

382
00:16:43,160 --> 00:16:45,800
but isn't a lemon? Over.

383
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,640
Oh, turn the wretched thing off,
will you?

384
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:51,840
Do your lady friends like caravans?

385
00:16:51,840 --> 00:16:53,320
Do they like caravans?

386
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:56,400
Martin, our sons announce that
they've both got girlfriends,

387
00:16:56,400 --> 00:16:57,720
and that's the first thing
you want to ask?

388
00:16:57,720 --> 00:17:00,480
Um, sorry, dad I don't actually know
if my girlfriend likes caravans.

389
00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:03,280
Yeah, funny,
I don't really know either.

390
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:06,240
You don't know
if they like caravans?

391
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:07,560
What the hell do you talk about?

392
00:17:07,560 --> 00:17:09,400
Not caravans, I hope.

393
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,440
I mean, I can ask
if you'd like me to.

394
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:13,600
I would, actually.

395
00:17:17,040 --> 00:17:19,640
"Do you like caravans?"

396
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:24,120
I'll ask as well, just texting
Lucy One, the best Lucy.

397
00:17:24,120 --> 00:17:26,560
So when am I going to
bloody meet them?

398
00:17:26,560 --> 00:17:29,800
100 years?  1,000 years?
1,000 years.

399
00:17:29,800 --> 00:17:32,200
Boys.
PHONE DINGS

400
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:36,040
OK. She says, "What do you mean,
caravans?"

401
00:17:36,040 --> 00:17:38,200
PHONE VIBRATES
Oh!

402
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:39,760
"Caravans? What do you mean?"

403
00:17:39,760 --> 00:17:41,840
They've never heard of caravans?
PHONE RINGS

404
00:17:41,840 --> 00:17:45,840
Oh! Hi. No, sorry, it was just

405
00:17:45,840 --> 00:17:48,520
my stupid dad, yep.
PHONE RINGS

406
00:17:48,520 --> 00:17:51,120
Sorry, babe, my stupid,
stupid dad just wanted to know.

407
00:17:51,120 --> 00:17:54,160
Yeah, right...  It's the girls!

408
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,040
Ooh, let me say hello to them.
Mum, get off.

409
00:17:57,040 --> 00:18:00,640
Ah, please.  God, Mum!  Adam. No,
Adam. Adam!

410
00:18:00,640 --> 00:18:02,960
Leave me alone!  Aw, Adam!

411
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:06,600
I know.  Sorry, Luce, she's mad.
Crazy.  Get off!  Just go away!

412
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:10,240
Right.  But I want to speak to them.
Mum!  Give me your phones!

413
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:12,000
Give me your phones!
Get off, you lunatic!

414
00:18:12,000 --> 00:18:16,000
Get in there!  In there!
Wait, no, boys!  Just get in there.

415
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:17,440
Horrible!

416
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:18,680
She's insane!

417
00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:21,000
It's not fair.

418
00:18:22,800 --> 00:18:26,000
So do they like caravans?

419
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:27,320
Sorry, Luce, she's mad.

420
00:18:27,320 --> 00:18:28,600
DOORBELL RINGS
I know, crazy.

421
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:30,720
Yeah, see you later.
Yep, anyway, bye.

422
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:32,360
Absolutely insane.
Absolutely insane.

423
00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:33,120
Ugh.

424
00:18:33,120 --> 00:18:34,920
Insane!  Insane.

425
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:39,560
Thank you so much for that.
Yes, thanks, Mum.

426
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:41,720
Horrible boys.

427
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:43,880
Hello, all.  Oh, yeah, Jim's here.

428
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:45,280
What are you bloody doing?

429
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:50,600
Um, I've been told by the water
people that I can go back home now.

430
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:54,280
Oh, right. Really?
There's still excrement everywhere,

431
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:57,840
but there's not quite so much
excrement everywhere as before.

432
00:18:57,840 --> 00:19:01,440
Lovely. Ugh, what is that smell?

433
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:03,480
Close the window, will you?
HE SIGHS

434
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:08,960
Oh, and Martin, I noticed the loo
in your caravan was all blocked up,

435
00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,200
so I...
DOG WHINES

436
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:15,080
Remain. So I, um...

437
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:22,440
..I managed to get
the waste unit out for you.

438
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:24,640
My God.

439
00:19:24,640 --> 00:19:27,280
Ugh! Jim! Don't leave it there!
Thanks, Jim.

440
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:31,160
Maybe take that back outside again?
Yes, but slowly.

441
00:19:31,160 --> 00:19:35,720
Yes, course, slowly,
cos it is rather full.

442
00:19:35,720 --> 00:19:37,480
DOG BARKS

443
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:40,960
THEY SCREAM

444
00:19:40,960 --> 00:19:43,120
Great! Now our house
is flooded with excrement.

445
00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:45,040
My lovely dining room!

446
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:48,080
Oh, I think I'm going to be sick.
Oh, Martin, get a mop.

447
00:19:48,080 --> 00:19:52,000
What?! I'm not walking through
that...!  Sea of shit?  Adam!

448
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:54,360
We'll have to go through the window.
The window?  Come on.

449
00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:56,680
Oh, my God.

450
00:19:56,680 --> 00:20:01,000
No, no, Milson,
you've had your supper.

451
00:20:02,040 --> 00:20:03,120
THEY WHIMPER

452
00:20:03,120 --> 00:20:05,760
Hold me, Jackie. Never let go.

453
00:20:05,760 --> 00:20:07,640
Yes, all right, Jim.

454
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:14,120
I-I really am so sorry for spilling
all that, well, you know.

455
00:20:14,120 --> 00:20:19,880
Yes, Jim.  All I can say
is that at least it's your own.

456
00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:22,440
And a little bit of mine.

457
00:20:22,440 --> 00:20:26,240
Bye, all!
HE GRUNTS

458
00:20:26,240 --> 00:20:29,200
Thanks, Jim.  So what do we do now?

459
00:20:29,200 --> 00:20:31,080
Just go back in the house.  Really?

460
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,840
OK, we're not going
back in the house.

461
00:20:34,840 --> 00:20:36,920
HE CLEARS THROAT

462
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:44,280
£500?

463
00:20:44,280 --> 00:20:47,600
I know it's Friday night,
but 500 quid

464
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:48,960
to come and clean up some mess?

465
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,760
Have you told them it's shit?
It's actual shit?

466
00:20:50,760 --> 00:20:54,840
Just shut up. Uh, OK, two hours.

467
00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:56,920
But please hurry.

468
00:20:56,920 --> 00:20:59,760
SHE GROANS
Terrific.

469
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:02,320
Well, Martin, you've finally
got your dinner in your caravan.

470
00:21:02,320 --> 00:21:04,960
Are you happy now?  Yes. Very. Hm.

471
00:21:04,960 --> 00:21:07,480
Actually, it's not so bad in here.
See?

472
00:21:07,480 --> 00:21:09,320
Yeah, it's all right, really.

473
00:21:09,320 --> 00:21:12,880
It was meant to be a celebration,
a family celebration.

474
00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:15,680
It is a family celebration.

475
00:21:15,680 --> 00:21:20,840
Is it?  Dad?  What?  Your thing.
What thing?

476
00:21:20,840 --> 00:21:24,560
Oh, yeah, Jackie, look,
I got this made especially for you.

477
00:21:28,480 --> 00:21:30,720
"Martin and Jackie."

478
00:21:30,720 --> 00:21:32,240
You got that made for me?

479
00:21:32,240 --> 00:21:34,600
And if I just press
this little button...

480
00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:35,800
Careful, Dad.

481
00:21:38,440 --> 00:21:39,400
There.

482
00:21:40,880 --> 00:21:43,440
Oh, Martin.

483
00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:45,040
"Martin and Ackie."

484
00:21:45,040 --> 00:21:47,240
Oh, shut up.

485
00:21:47,240 --> 00:21:52,360
Bloody bulbs.  Thanks, sweetheart.
SHE GIGGLES

486
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:54,480
Okey dokey,

487
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:56,560
anyone for a grotty butter sandwich,
over?

488
00:21:56,560 --> 00:21:59,520
Er, piss off, over.

489
00:21:59,520 --> 00:22:00,680
You silly sods.

490
00:22:00,680 --> 00:22:04,520
Right, let's get this
bloody thing sorted. Uh...

491
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:08,080
THEY SCREAM

492
00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:09,080
Stop!

493
00:22:09,080 --> 00:22:11,200
CRASHING

494
00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:15,880
Oh, my God!

495
00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:17,120
SHE GASPS

496
00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:20,080
My caravan. My beautiful caravan.

497
00:22:20,080 --> 00:22:22,520
Just look at it, Jackie!
It's a wreck!

498
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:23,800
Oh, Dad.

499
00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,160
Aw.

500
00:22:28,080 --> 00:22:32,720
Martin, look.

501
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:33,960
SHE GASPS

502
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:39,160
We can get this thing fixed,
you know.

503
00:22:39,160 --> 00:22:43,880
What?  We can, we will.
We'll get it fixed, I promise.

504
00:22:43,880 --> 00:22:44,680
Really?  BOTH:  Really?

505
00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:47,040
SHE TUTS
Yes, darling.

506
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:51,200
Come on, let's wait in the car.

507
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:54,520
We'll order a pizza, yeah?
Pizza!  Skill!

508
00:22:54,520 --> 00:22:56,600
Yeah, come on, then. Pizza.

509
00:22:58,440 --> 00:23:01,200
Jonny to Dad, over.

510
00:23:01,200 --> 00:23:03,800
Roger, Jonny, go ahead.

511
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:05,080
Your caravan's on fire, over.

512
00:23:09,560 --> 00:23:12,200
Shit on it, over.

513
00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:15,480

just to hide in this place

514
00:23:15,480 --> 00:23:19,960


515
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:23,000


516
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:27,000


517
00:23:27,000 --> 00:23:30,560

just to hide in this place

518
00:23:30,560 --> 00:23:35,160


519
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:36,400


520
00:23:36,400 --> 00:23:37,200
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